Dolly-Dog has owned ‘Reality Rehab’ author Lisa Mary London for 11 years. The glamorous Maltese Terrier is rumoured to be the inspiration for actress Gloria Grayson’s spoiled dog Baby-Girl, a claim she hotly denies (“I’m much prettier than that mutt and a helluva lot slimmer!”)
Q: The unending ambition that drives you on?
A: To find a bigger sausage. Lisa says lots of girls can relate to that.
Q: The prized possession you treasure above all others?
A: My fabulous wardrobe of designer dog clothes. I just don’t understand dogs who walk about naked, it’s vulgar and attention-seeking.
Q: The movie you can enjoy watching time and time again?
A: ‘The Bitch’, of course – who doesn’t love Dame Joan Collins?
Q: The crime you would commit if you knew you’d get away with it?
A: I’d break into Joey Essex’ mansion and eavesdrop, to find out if he’s as stupid off-camera as on. I reckon he’s an evil genius planning world domination – let’s face it, he’s doing pretty well so far.
Q: The misapprehension about yourself you would like to eradicate
A: That I’m not a natural blonde.
Q: The vision that moves you above all others?
A: The strings of sausages hanging in my butcher’s shop window are a thing of beauty. I dream about wearing dozens of them around my neck feather boa style, like a furry Liza Minnelli in ‘Cabaret’.
Q: The pet hate that makes your blood boil?
A: Randy boy dogs who are stupid enough to sniff my rear end. They wake up dazed and confused, with a crowd gathered around them.
Q: The overriding principle that guides you?
A: Never book a bargain break to China, Korea or Vietnam.
Q: The biggest regret you wish you could erase?
A: Marrying Sherrie Hewson’s dog live on ITV’s ‘Loose Women’ (available on YouTube). I was swept away by the glamour of it all – the TV cameras, the Harrods bridal gown, the foie gras wedding cake… But marriage is for life, not just for daytime TV. We divorced after a bitter fight over a Frisbee.
Q: Your plan if you were invisible for a day?
A: I’d hang around the set of ‘The Great British Bake Off’ with my mouth open.
Q: The figure from history you’d invite to afternoon tea?
A: The late, great Diana Dors – like me, a curvaceous blonde with attitude, who never said no to a doughnut.
Q: Your priority if you were Prime Minister?
A: I’d make sausages available on prescription.
Q: The temptation you can’t resist?
A: Men’s trouser legs. When I see fabric flapping round a hairy ankle the red mist descends and I latch on, like a man-trap with halitosis.
Q: The treasured item you lost and wish you could have again?
A: My teeth. I’ve lost every last one, but to compensate I’ve developed a super-hard suck. I can strip a whole roast chicken to the carcass in five seconds flat – as countless Nando’s staff will vouch.
Q: Your dream dinner party guests?
A: Dolly Parton – My idol, I was named after her for my platinum blonde tresses and huge lungs.
Ant and Dec – The godfathers of reality TV. I’d serve them spaghetti bollock-nese with a side of kangaroo bum to pay them back.
Martin Clunes – A great actor who loves dogs, and like me, he’s got a gob that could suck-start a Harley Davidson.
Nigella Lawson – Because she’d cook fabulous food and provide a super-comfy lap for my after dinner snooze.
Q: The way you’d like to be remembered?
A: As a faithful friend, a fashion icon and a girl who would sell her soul for a sausage.