Dolly-Dog has owned ‘Reality Rehab’ author Lisa Mary London for 11 years. The glamorous Maltese Terrier is rumoured to be the inspiration for actress Gloria Grayson’s spoiled dog Baby-Girl, a claim she hotly denies (“I’m much prettier than that mutt and a helluva lot slimmer!”)

SausagesQ: The unending ambition that drives you on?

A: To find a bigger sausage. Lisa says lots of girls can relate to that.

Q: The prized possession you treasure above all others?

A: My fabulous wardrobe of designer dog clothes. I just don’t understand dogs who walk about naked, it’s vulgar and attention-seeking.

Q: The movie you can enjoy watching time and time again?

A: ‘The Bitch’, of course – who doesn’t love Dame Joan Collins?

Q: The crime you would commit if you knew you’d get away with it?

A:  I’d break into Joey Essex’ mansion and eavesdrop, to find out if he’s as stupid off-camera as on. I reckon he’s an evil genius planning world domination  –  let’s face it, he’s doing pretty well so far.

Q: The misapprehension about yourself you would like to eradicate

A: That I’m not a natural blonde.

Q: The vision that moves you above all others?

A: The strings of sausages hanging in my butcher’s shop window are a thing of beauty. I dream about wearing dozens of them around my neck feather boa style, like a furry Liza Minnelli in ‘Cabaret’.

Dolly loves her food

Did somebody say cake?

Q: The pet hate that makes your blood boil?

A: Randy boy dogs who are stupid enough to sniff my rear end. They wake up dazed and confused, with a crowd gathered around them.

Q: The overriding principle that guides you?

A: Never book a bargain break to China, Korea or Vietnam.

Q: The biggest regret you wish you could erase?

A: Marrying Sherrie Hewson’s dog live on ITV’s ‘Loose Women’ (available on YouTube). I was swept away by the glamour of it all – the TV cameras, the Harrods bridal gown, the foie gras wedding cake… But marriage is for life, not just for daytime TV. We divorced after a bitter fight over a Frisbee.

Q: Your plan if you were invisible for a day?

A: I’d hang around the set of ‘The Great British Bake Off’ with my mouth open.

Q: The figure from history you’d invite to afternoon tea?

Trouser legs to chase

A: The late, great Diana Dors – like me, a curvaceous blonde with attitude, who never said no to a doughnut.

Q: Your priority if you were Prime Minister?

A: I’d make sausages available on prescription.

Q: The temptation you can’t resist?

A: Men’s trouser legs. When I see fabric flapping round a hairy ankle the red mist descends and I latch on, like a man-trap with halitosis.

Q: The treasured item you lost and wish you could have again?

A: My teeth. I’ve lost every last one, but to compensate I’ve developed a super-hard suck. I can strip a whole roast chicken to the carcass in five seconds flat – as countless Nando’s staff will vouch.

Dolly PartonQ: Your dream dinner party guests?

A: Dolly Parton – My idol, I was named after her for my platinum blonde tresses and huge lungs.

Ant and Dec – The godfathers of reality TV. I’d serve them spaghetti bollock-nese with a side of kangaroo bum to pay them back.

Martin Clunes – A great actor who loves dogs, and like me, he’s got a gob that could suck-start a Harley Davidson.

Nigella Lawson – Because she’d cook fabulous food and provide a super-comfy lap for my after dinner snooze.

Q: The way you’d like to be remembered?

A: As a faithful friend, a fashion icon and a girl who would sell her soul for a sausage.